


Green

by Dollop_of_Darkness



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cafe AU!, Cutting Mentioned, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, suicide plan, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2018-11-04 15:49:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10994070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dollop_of_Darkness/pseuds/Dollop_of_Darkness
Summary: Demons from Levi's past come back to haunt him and all he sees in the world is grey nothing. That is until a boy with beautiful green eyes saves him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm like three episodes into season two and I just want all of it to change into a fluffy gay sports anime and for the suffering to end. I just need for them to be happy and with that mindset it is so hard to watch. I don't even know why I'm hurting them in this story! But I promise this trash down here it will not be too tragic.  
> I rated T due to suicidal thoughts and attempts triggers. Cause those shits are real.

I’ve see nothing but grey since I killed my family.

It’s been off and on for the past few years but now; now it’s been consistently grey for a while.

Even on the sunniest day it’s nothing but a lighter shade of grey.

Not to mention I just feel so cold all the time. Isn’t it like the middle of April? Could’ve sworn April was warmer than this. Whatever.

I gave my stupid cat to Erwin. Figured he’d take care of it better than Hanji with their crazy experiments. Stupid Hanji. It’s fine anyways; I left them with a spare key to my apartment. There’s going to need to be someone who can get in and out when they get rid of my shit.

I have a few vacation days I never used that I’ll be cashing them in for the event. I’m sure Erwin and Mike will be happy to see me finally taking a break.  
And lastly, I made amends with my ex for being such an ass. It was long overdue anyways.

The only thing now is to get a cup of tea from that little coffee shop outside of the park.

Cute little place called The Merry Macaroon with good drinks and a nice staff, if not a little annoying. There’s a boy named Armin that is sweet enough and a girl named Mikasa with a fierce but respectable aura. Then there’s Sasha and Connie, the dynamic meme lord duo. Then lastly there’s Eren.

If there were ever a reason to stay it would be him. But I’m cancerous and should be kept far away from beauty like him. He’s very pure in a certain sense. There’s a raw and uncut passion in his walk and an unpolluted optimistic aura when he enters the room. Simply filling it up with himself. 

When I walk into the dainty little café it was a during down time so not many were inside and no one is was the counter yet. So, I take my time walking up to the counter. When I arrive, I see Eren pop his head through a back door and announce that he will be right with me.

Upon arrival, he has a smudge of what looks like frosting on the corner of his lip and coffee stains on his pink apron.

“Hey Levi!” there’s way too much positivity in the way my name rolls of his lips, “You getting the usual earl grey?”

“Yes, thank you.” I could never bring myself to say his name. Feeling as though just uttering it would tarnish it.

“Of course. So, what brings you in a 3? It’s a little late to see you here, why the break in routine?”

I contemplate my answer too long to be normal and in the mist of filling up the tea strainer he turns to look at me. A swirl of dark grey clouds my vision and I almost want to cry out to him. To ask him to help me. Give me another reason to stay, please.

“Just getting ready for a trip.”

Eh. Not a total lie.

“Ooo! Where?”

Shit. Of course, Eren would ask that. He was great at customer relations, and just being a sweet little bean overall, so of course he’d ask me about my destination. How do you eloquently say the highway pavement? Uh.

“I’m just going to see my brother and sister.”

Again, not a lie. But for some reason I see Eren’s back stiffen.

He was topping off my cup with a lid and a sleeve then raised his eyes to look at mine before handing it to me. Such large expressive eyes he has. I’ve already forgotten what color they are.  
“2. 75 for your large early grey.”

I slide him a $50 and before grasping the cup and turning to leave. There’s shouting heard from behind but I drown it out as I push open the door and am met with the soft downpour of rain. It is April after all.

As I’m walking through the streets I don’t bother to try and shield myself from the rain. I don’t try and dodge scampering people as I walk. I just sip my scalding hot tea, bask in the burn, and keep walking on. I hope that the hot drink will warm me; it doesn’t. I don’t stop until I’m in the middle of a big steel grey bridge that hangs over the main intersecting highway. I take the runners path that way I am closest to the beams.

No one is out now due to the rain so I don’t have to deal with curious onlookers with camera phones ready and linked live. So, for a moment I just stand there.

It’s peaceful.

The rain really helps to block out the city noise so I can focus on task. My last task. I continue holding the cooling tea with one hand as I lean over a beam looking down. There’s a few cars on the road now, there’s many more coming as it is almost peak traffic time. All those people scrambling to be somewhere else. Fighting each other, growing angrier at themselves.

I finally take the last sip of my drink and set it down on the concrete before grabbing a hold of one of the metal beams. I hoist myself up and stand tall as I begin to clear my mind. I’m finished. I tell myself. It’s finally over Levi. Take a break Levi. You don’t have to wait anymore Levi. No more Levi. 

Levi.

Levi!

“Levi wait-!”

Huh?

“Levi, please don’t!”

And suddenly everything stopped. Even the rain.

Or maybe it didn’t.

I look up to see that the rain isn’t pelting me anymore due to an umbrella blocking it from me. When I turn around I see a panting Eren outstretching his long arms to hold said umbrella over me causing him to become soaked in the process. But really what I see, what I can finally see are his eyes. And they are the most beautiful shade of green I’ve ever seen.


	2. Coming Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An explanation for why Levi was on the ledge and actually a lot about Eren's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So did it. I added another chapter. This is it I won't add another after this. I just felt that there needed to be an explanation behind Levi and to kinda develop his and Eren's relationship a little. eh. I'm honestly terrified to post this. I've had it written for a second but I thought it was just utter shit so I never did but I finally said fuck it ya know? Someone is gonna wanna read this...maybe. *shrugs aggressively* Also this is hella longer than the first chapter. sorry.

“Please Levi, don’t.”

Why are you saying this to me?

“I know that I’m no one special to you but please just listen to me ok?!”

Why are you here?

“I may not know exactly what is going on but trust me when I say that I understand.” 

Do you really care about someone like me?

“Ju-just come down ok?”

Why are you standing in the rain for me?

“If you don’t want to you don’t have to talk now but please. Please come with me.”

Why are you dirtying yourself for me!?

I pushed the umbrella away, well tried to at least but Eren stepped closer to the railing and insisted it stay over my head. Almost on the verge of fighting him for it he stopped and  
just held out his hand.

Everything in me wanted to take it.

But everything in me also wanted to keep him far away from me.

I turned to reject the hand and made the mistake of looking up when I saw those pleading eyes. Big, teary, pleading eyes for me to grab his hand.

God, I wanted what swam in those eyes so badly and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. Silent tears began to fill my vision to the point that to ensure I didn’t accidently fall over I grabbed onto his hand. It was shaking and probably tighter than he wanted it to be but that was all the more reason as to why I felt more comforted by it. He was scared. Eren was scared for me.

When I wobbled off the metal ledge I unceremoniously fell into his embrace. His arms automatically circled around my waist. His head resting on the top of mine and forcing mine into the crook of his neck. I could still smell the caffeinated brews on his skins and there was something in the way he held me that made me feel the warmest I’ve felt in months. 

Maybe even years. 

~ ~ ~

It felt surreal to be wrapped up in layers and layers of fuzzy blankets with a towel draped over my head. I was plopped down in the middle of his couch in his shared apartment with his sister and best friend, whom were now covering for him after he ran out with my change and an umbrella. The bang of pots and pans, opening and closing of cabinet doors, and shuffling of feet were heard in the background as I simply sat there and stared out from underneath the mountain of fabric I was covered in.  
Eren came out with two mismatched mugs of steaming something, “Sorry this took so long. I tried to find any of the black tea we had but all I found was green, I hope that’s ok.” As he handed me a character head Tweety bird mug. I took a small tentative sip and felt the scalding liquid burn my mouth and throat as I forced it down without a sound.

“Anything hot is perfect.” God is that my voice? When did it get so scratchy?

“I don’t think it’s that bad. It’s kinda cute. Husky.”

Did I just say that out loud?

“Yeah you did.” Eren giggled. God that was cute on him. “So, uh, did you want to, uh…”

Fuck. The reality of the situation falls heavy on me again before it can even remotely feels removed.

“…” God, how do you even start this “So how did- why did you know to follow me?”

“Oh well uh, you left your change… and when you mentioned your trip to see family.”

“And?”

“Well your family is all dead, right?”

“I don’t remember ever telling you that.”

“Right right, sorry.” he shifted the cup nervously in his hands, “You never did. Armin overheard you on the phone once and when he pieced together some other stuff we observed about you, cause he’s basically a human reading genius, and then we just kinda… figured it out.”

“Hm. You shitty brats.” 

“Hey look, I’m really sorry about talking about you behind your back. It’s totally ok if you don’t wanna talk about what happened. I just thought maybe if you’d…” He sighs and looks down at his cooling Hogwarts cup, “I don’t know I’m… sorry.”

Please don’t apologize to me.

“I’m still not sure what to say in these situations. I know that I didn’t always like to talk either, but once I started I-I’d feel better.”

He stumbled. Why did you stumble?

“You didn’t like to talk about what?”

Eren blushed as he looked away with shame darkening his eyes and tears beginning to collect on his waterline. How amazing that, even now, his eyes are still so captivating. I couldn’t look away to give him privacy even if I wanted to.

“I uh, I-I tri-” he stopped to breathe deeply through his nose as he rolled up the sleeves of his damp long sleeve shirt, “I tried it too.”

A familiar burning sensation began to build behind my eyes as his painful past was carved across his veins. The idea that Eren, someone so remarkably upbeat and positive, had once thought that the world didn’t need him, ached inside of me. Words that I couldn’t articulate were trying to push their way up and out of me in any way they could; resulting in a tightening pressure between my lower throat and chest. Words, cries, audacious pleas were steady screeching from within to tell Eren what my lips could not perform.  
What could have driven him to the edge like that? Or who? Something in me suddenly began to pray that it was just an ex-lover that broke his heart. Please. Eren doesn’t deserve to suffer. Reading my face Eren elaborated.

“When I was little these guys broke into my house.”

This is not about an ex-lover. 

“It was just me, my mom, and my sister home because my dad was out of town on business. My mom told us to go and hide but I didn’t-I couldn’t! Ju-just let her face whoever was out there alone. So I tried to sneak out and help her but I uh, I didn’t. I saw them slam her to the floor with guns pointed at her head asking about money and I stopped. I stopped there, right fucking there, and I saw them shoot her in the head when she told them.”

There was a pause as he sucked in a large breath before looking to the ceiling with a distant gaze and a shivering smile.

“And I always thought that if I had done something-anything, then maybe I could’ve stopped it. Maybe I could’ve saved my Mom. But I didn’t and she died and no one held me accountable. No one punished me for it. They only told me how it ‘wasn’t my fault’ and ‘I shouldn’t beat myself up over it’ but I did. Even after we caught the bastards I did. And I decided that if no one was going to do it then I had to punish myself.”

There was a heavy silence that settled after he finished. Not awkward. Not uncomfortable. Just heavy with a relatable guilt.

“So why did you stop?” I finally asked.

“I met this woman that I thought was my mom. Side pony hairstyle, green eyes, everything. She was sitting on a park bench watching her son play with some ducks. I started crying when I saw her so needless to say I freaked her out big time.” He chuckled at the fond memory as he looked down at his now cold tea.  
“I told her everything about that night and my shitty coping and then do you know what she did next? It was crazy really. She grabbed my cheeks,” and he reached out his hands to mimic his words, “and she kissed them.” And so he did. “then she told me ‘As your mother I will always do everything possible to protect you. Don’t you ever belittle my love for you by thinking that I wouldn’t give my life for you and your sister. That’s what a mother’s unconditional love means. It means that I get to do that, and you don’t have to do this.’ And then she kissed my wrist.” And then he brought down one of his hands to hold onto mine as he turned the palm to his face and gently kissed the vein in the middle of my wrist.  
When he brought his face up it was only a few inches from mine. Which was my own fault for not realizing that I was leaning forward into Eren’s touches so much. A light blush dusted his cheeks and nose when he realized the closeness.

“I’m so-sorry about all of-all of this.” He began to stumble over his words as he quickly withdrew his hands and picked his mug back up, “I didn’t mean to ramble on about myself.” he said as his shoulders began to hunch forward in embarrassment as he started to roll down his sleeves awkwardly, “I don’t even know why I -”

But I silenced him with a hand on his cheek and my thumb sliding over his petal-soft bottom lip. When I looked into his watery green eyes and saw the naked framework of his mind and simultaneously thought: I want him.

I want to love him. I want him to love me. I want to open myself to him the way he did to me. I want him to know me. I want weakness. Vulnerability to another person yet with trust that I know they will not manipulate me with it. I want what scares me most. 

“Levi. What is it?”

“I-”

“Yes.”

He eyes began to shimmer with life like a garden after a fresh morning rain. So green. What if telling him about me causes that color to wither. To fade to that fucking grey I’m so sick of seeing! What if who I am dims his color?

“No.” I begin to shake my head back and forth as my jaw clenches firmly. My hand drops from his face and slams into my temple as I grab the hair there. Scrapping and pulling at my scalp. 

I’ve lost him before I could ever truly have him.

The mug is removed from my hands by Eren before he takes my hand within his own. I squeeze it harder than intended and pull it up towards my mouth. My breath is labored because it feels like my chest is being squashed and I just can’t seem to get enough air in my lungs and shit. It feels like I’m about to suffocate myself. I hunch over in an attempt to bury myself within myself as shakes begin to ripple over me.

“Levi. Levi, please! Look at me ok? You’re having a panic attack and I need you to listen to me alright? Just breathe right now. Can you breathe with me?”

Yes of course I can but my lungs refuses to!

Eren leans in close to me, I don’t know where because I just can’t orient myself right now. But he’s close and I can feel his voice vibrating and the sensation of his deep breaths. Eventually I get in sync with him and heart feels less like an Olympic sprinter.

“Can you name 5 things you see?”

What the hell is he talking about?

“How the hell can I name 5 things I see?!” I manage to growl out.

“Try opening your eyes.”

Oh. Slowly I pry my eyes open enough to see that I’m practically curled up in Eren’s lap.

“I see your lap.”

“Good. What else?”

“There’s a rip in your jeans. I can kinda see your boxers through it. I see that their blue.”

A small chuckle left Eren’s chest, “Yeah sorry about that. One more to go.”

I tried to sit up so that I wasn’t almost laid across him when I saw one of his hands try to help me up. The sleeve was still slightly showing a scar, “I can see one of your scars.”

Eren stiffened for just a moment before he began rubbing my back in warm comforting circles.

“Yeah I suppose you still can. Now can you tell me four things you can feel or touch?”

“I can feel your hands on me. I feel how warm they are.”

“That’s good. What else?”

“M-my hair.” I said as I finally released the death grip I had on my own hair, “It still feels wet, from the rain. My hand also feels better.” I said flexing my fingers. “Now that it’s not locked in a hold anymore.”

“Okay good. You’re doing great Levi. Do you think you can keep going? How do you feel.”

I did feel less like a boulder was sitting on my chest. So I nodded curtly.

“Then how about naming three things you can hear?”

“You. And when I’m this close I can hear your breathing too.”

A slight blush flaked over Eren’s features at the mention of closeness, “I can also hear the rain outside but it’s lighter than it was earlier.”

“You’re right Levi. The rain has calmed down to a light drizzle outside.”

“ ’Bout time damnit.” 

“Ha! Now you sound like the Levi I know. What about telling me two things you can smell? This one is a little harder but just try ok. I promise it’ll help.”

“I uh, I smell,” and I took in a big whiff of nothing. Damnit there has to be something. I forgot about how I was able to even take deep breaths in. Now I’m forced to in order to be able to try and smell something that I could point out to Eren. Hey wait-, “I can smell coffee on you. From work.”

“Ah yes, even after being drenched it’s practically apart of my natural scent now.”

“And I can also smell the rain. I can smell it on both of us actually. It’s weird and murky.”

“Did you just say I smell murky?”

“Well yeah, I always thought it was supposed to smell sexy but really you just smell like a human puddle.”

“What a way with words you have. Your pick-up lines must be really something.”

“Fucking fantastic.”

There was a small shared smile between us that finally released all the tension that built up during my attack. Fuck this boy was amazing. I really thought I was going to die 15 minutes ago.

“Ok ok last one, I promise. Tell me one thing that you can taste.”

That was a difficult question because for every other question I tie it into Eren in some way. He was the only way that I was able to ground myself, by anchoring on to things about him that related to me that I could pick out. By making me focus on silly things like the rip in his jeans and his soothing back rubs I was able to let go the mental pressure. But what do I taste?

“I can taste the numbed area where I burned my mouth from trying to sip the tea before it was cooled. I remember the feel of how hot tweety’s head felt on my lips. I knew that I should’ve waited but I needed a distraction so badly.”

“And we’re done, you did it.”

I looked at him with confusion, what did I do? And guessing my confusion; Eren elaborated.

“You grounded yourself Levi. You came down from your own panic attack.”

“Oh…I suppose that’s why I no longer feel the crushing weight of all my mistakes sitting down on my chest trying to take a huge shit.”

“You are truly a modern-day poet.” I could actually hear his eyes rolling.

And with absolutely no malice I replied, “Shut it brat.” Eren only smirked before patting his chest.

“You, Tarzan. Me Ja-”

“No!” He screamed with a flushed face, “I meant that as a signal to lay on me. I know how tiring coming down from attacks can be. Add on top the day you’ve had…so come here.”

Couldn’t argue with him about it on the best of days. So, while he clumsily adjusted himself horizontally on the couch I found my way around his lanky body parts and onto his chest. Being tucked away under his chin and wrapped in his arms felt unrealistically good. Eren has always had a warm personality that attracted me to him, kinda nice knowing that he’s physically just as comforting.

I don’t deserve him. Or the peace that he’s offering. 

I have to fuck this up.

“So there was this job,” I started, “I could’ve turned it down but the money was just so good and my family and I would finally be able to move out of our shitty ass apartment and…fuck.”

There was a warm hand that began rubbing over my back as I spoke. The silence was emboldening for some reason.

“My brother, sister, and I were really fucking poor and we made ends meet by doing anything we were good at. Which basically meant stealing or fighting or…whatever unsavory service that you could pay for. One time this guy, big mob boss guy by the name of King, wanted us to off this guy named Erwin.”

I felt him nod his head in comprehension. 

“At the time me and Isabel and Furlan, my siblings, were freelance thugs.”

Eren stayed quiet.

“So when this guy, King, offered us a chance to actually move out the dirt poor, fucked city we lived in we just, we had to take it. God and it seemed so sketchy too because he was offering so much money for half what we would normally do.” I could feel the anger rising within me when reflecting on my own naïve eagerness.

“But of course, it didn’t go smoothly. Our mission was only to kill Erwin. But King was actually using us as bait to try and throw Erwin off his scent. When we infiltrated his business as new employees, I convinced them both that I could handle Erwin when the time came. Of course they fought me on it but I was so fucking prideful and hopeful… I told them to wait in the parking deck where his backup was supposed to be and take them out instead. Turns out Erwin already knew that the other gang was coming and removed his men, but he didn’t know that Furlan and Isabel were down there. And when King and his gang showed up…they just… fucking slaughtered them. And what was I doing? Having Erwin explain everything to me as if I was a goddamn child.”

And it’s my fault. My family is dead. My neglience and pride and greed killed them. Regret and sadness began to shake down my shoulders as I bit my lip to bleeding to prevent screaming out my cries. I had never told anyone the whole story. And I don’t know if I feel relieved or just damned stupid. Or lonely. 

But what I did feel was that warm hand continuously rubbing my back in circles.

No sharp intake of breath at my shit life. No stupid asking of ‘why didn’t you’ questions. No pushing away while I’m crying and snotting onto his coffee bean scented shirt. Just that amazing fucking back rubbing and goddamn that was heaven. 

I pull my head up from the breast of his shirt and looked at his face. He isn’t smiling. But he isn’t scowling. 

“Hate me now.”

“No, I don’t hate you.”

“I wasn’t asking. I’m telling you to. I killed my family.”

“Hardly. Committing crime to survive the underground? Understandable. Wanting to give your brother, sister, and yourself, a better life? Understandable.” He said moving his head side to side and shrugging in a boyish manner bfore staring me dead in the eyes.

“But being responsible for their deaths? No way Levi. You were the product of a crazy con man’s plan. That’s not your fault and I’m sure Isabella and Furlan wouldn’t see it that way either.”

Shit. Why did it feel so good to be forgiven by this brat? I place my forehead back on his chest as I feel it vibrate with his words.

“After what happened to you Levi, you have to learn to forgive yourself, there was nothing you or I could have done. We can’t keep living with all those regrets, because well, we won’t be living at all.”

He lifted up my chin so that I could peer into his green, green eyes, “We can’t continuously punish ourselves for how we played the cards we were dealt.”

How many times have I tried to tell myself this before?

Why does it finally sound alright coming from chapped lips and warm fingertips?

We stayed quiet for a while and just sank into the comfort of each other. Somehow, we ended up totally wrapped by each other’s limbs. With Eren certainly having more to go around. And even with our still damp clothes on it was the most comfortably uncomfortable I’ve ever felt.

“So you feeling any better Levi?”

Fuck, why does he make my name sound so nice.

“Yeah.”

I rise and fall with his chest as he exhales a large breath.

“Good, cause I’m not really great with words and that was the most profound shit I’ve ever said.”

“You fucking brat.” I smiled into his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for getting this far. I'm really happy if you did. Even though I felt this thing was really rushed I'm happy I finally got it out here. If you really feel like making my day leave a kudo or a comment. Thanks again

**Author's Note:**

> So if you made it this far...Should I continue? I can't promise weekly updates or even decent quality cause I'm pretty trash, but if i did would it be something you could fuck with?  
> Leave a comment below or leave a kudo. They really make me feel less like a poop stain.


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